"Dr. Crusher here. If this is a medical emergency, please go directly to audio. If not, please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible."
[But this is not what he came for, so she uncurls herself to reach for her cup of tea. As she sips she looks at him over the brim with a mixture of interest and concern.]
What was it you wanted to talk to me about? I'm guessing it's not theatre.
[ He would too. There aren't many people to discuss Shakespeare with. Charles visibly hesitates, pressing his palms on his lap. ]
I - this sounds absurd, in many ways. But I feel a lot of my friends are too close to the issue and -
[ He's stumbling again. Charles has never been particularly confident expressing himself in this area. He could have easily talked to Wrath or Winter or Hank - they would always have his "back". ]
- well, I believe you'd be more objective and a second perspective would be helpful. I don't - I can't trust my own feelings in this.
[ He grimaces, trying not to take issue with himself. Charles has never felt comfortable talking about himself. He wonders if it's because of his telepathy and talking often felt like a crutch compared to that. ]
I suppose I am - grateful he still cares about me in that capacity. My feelings have yet to change.
But I don't think I can do it again. For all I know, I'll wake up and another ten years would have passed and he'd be a barista in Paris.
[ At this point, anything is possible. He frowns, looking away intently. ]
He'll never be happy with me. He'll never be satisfied with me. He ran away because he was scared.
[ And deep down, Charles isn't sure. Erik has changed and he missed the man he knew before. Missed the man he loved. Some changes are for the better. The idea of Magneto has been fully obliterated. Had it been worth the things that were lost? No. Certainly not in light of Erik's own losses. ]
He only loves me until something better comes along.
[... okay so much for channeling Deanna: Beverly finds she can't rein in her own emotions nearly as neatly as her friend seems to do. She stays calm enough until that last confession. That one hurts and she can't help it - she's reaching out to him, laying her hand on his.]
Charles...
I know I have a... limited viewpoint on this. All I know is what you've told me. But never once when you've spoken of him to me have you spoken of any joy that he brings you - it's always pain and loneliness and abandonment. And love... love shouldn't leave you constantly questioning your self-worth. Love should support and respect you - even if it doesn't necessarily work out in the end - and I don't see that here.
[ He can't help the flicker of shame at that. Had he painted it in such a negative light? Charles and Erik had come a long way. Hadn't they? It's been a tumultuous history. And he forgets that not many people know that. ]
That's my fault.
[ He smiles faintly. ]
I haven't given you much context. When we woke up, ten years had passed and a lot had changed for both of us. But he has always given me joy. There's a good man there, who has been through a lot. He's helped me grow, even when I faltered.
[ Everything has changed, Charles told him, distraught. But Erik had acknowledged his hurts and affirmed that not everything has. And hasn't Charles held onto that hope before?
He huffs. ]
I probably would question my worth, with or without him. It's an old wound that's never left.
[Her doubts about Erik are little assuaged by this explanation. Maybe he is a good man, in the general sense, but he's not good for Charles. This she is sure of.
She's careful in her response, watching his expression as she speaks.]
Nevertheless, I think... your instincts are telling you the right thing to do.
I could have waited. I doubt he would have minded.
[ But hearing Erik say that he wanted to, despite everything that came before. Even before, when Charles had told him that he was moving on, whether Erik still wanted to be a part of his life, the answer was the same.
Not everything had changed. ]
I think I just needed to - talk about it. Get my thoughts sorted.
[ He shakes his head before squeezing her hand. ] I shouldn't have dumped all of that on you though. I just felt that your judgement - your words would help me pull through.
[She frowns, looking down at their hands. She's confused and alarmed and worried, so very worried about where this is headed. There's anger there too though.
She pulls her hand away.]
Is that all you wanted? Reassurance for a decision you already came to?
You can always come talk to me, about anything. I'll be here for you, I promise. I just am having a hard time understanding you right now. One moment you say he only loves you when it's convenient and the next you're saying you want to start something again with him and I...
[ He wonders how he must sound like to other people right now. Erik and Charles have always had a complicated history, and others have brought up such concerns. Charles had always dismissed them. But here he was, the greatest naysayer. Charles breathes out. ]
I am also afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that if I take this chance, I'll get hurt. But I also have a lot of hope. For him, for myself. I don't want to give up that hope yet. That both of us can find that piece of belonging we used to have.
[ He smiles faintly. ] I guess there are two people inside of me, warring. Wariness and a belief in the future. And . . . I'd probably always pick the latter.
[She answers his smile with a faint one of her own. Of course he would choose hope. It's something she loves about him. Well, one of the many things she loves about him. And normally, she's not so skeptical herself, not when it comes to matters of the heart. But this time, she finds caution winning out. Hopefully, he can forgive her for that.]
No. He's still recovering and - [ He hesitates. Erik has lost his family, which always seems to pale in comparison to Charles' own feelings. ] - He's lost a lot.
[And then, after only a moment's hesitation, she gets up to hug him. It's an offer of reassurance: even if she has her doubts about him and Erik, even if she's still worried and frustrated by the situation, Charles will always have her support.]
[ Hugs, or any kind of special physical contact still surprises him. Mostly because it's difficult to do with a man in a wheelchair. But Charles tentatively loops his arms around her because he cares for her deeply and her opinion gave him the weight he needed. The fear hasn't left, but Charles is not alone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[But this is not what he came for, so she uncurls herself to reach for her cup of tea. As she sips she looks at him over the brim with a mixture of interest and concern.]
What was it you wanted to talk to me about? I'm guessing it's not theatre.
[Even if she would happily indulge in that.]
no subject
I - this sounds absurd, in many ways. But I feel a lot of my friends are too close to the issue and -
[ He's stumbling again. Charles has never been particularly confident expressing himself in this area. He could have easily talked to Wrath or Winter or Hank - they would always have his "back". ]
- well, I believe you'd be more objective and a second perspective would be helpful. I don't - I can't trust my own feelings in this.
no subject
I'm listening.
no subject
Erik seems to be. Well. Considering the idea of rekindling our relationship. Or. Something like that. I'm not sure.
no subject
I see. And how do you feel about that?
[She feels a little like she's channelling Deanna right now, but that's hopefully a good thing.]
no subject
I suppose I am - grateful he still cares about me in that capacity. My feelings have yet to change.
But I don't think I can do it again. For all I know, I'll wake up and another ten years would have passed and he'd be a barista in Paris.
[ At this point, anything is possible. He frowns, looking away intently. ]
He'll never be happy with me. He'll never be satisfied with me. He ran away because he was scared.
[ And deep down, Charles isn't sure. Erik has changed and he missed the man he knew before. Missed the man he loved. Some changes are for the better. The idea of Magneto has been fully obliterated. Had it been worth the things that were lost? No. Certainly not in light of Erik's own losses. ]
He only loves me until something better comes along.
no subject
Charles...
I know I have a... limited viewpoint on this. All I know is what you've told me. But never once when you've spoken of him to me have you spoken of any joy that he brings you - it's always pain and loneliness and abandonment. And love... love shouldn't leave you constantly questioning your self-worth. Love should support and respect you - even if it doesn't necessarily work out in the end - and I don't see that here.
no subject
That's my fault.
[ He smiles faintly. ]
I haven't given you much context. When we woke up, ten years had passed and a lot had changed for both of us. But he has always given me joy. There's a good man there, who has been through a lot. He's helped me grow, even when I faltered.
[ Everything has changed, Charles told him, distraught. But Erik had acknowledged his hurts and affirmed that not everything has. And hasn't Charles held onto that hope before?
He huffs. ]
I probably would question my worth, with or without him. It's an old wound that's never left.
no subject
She's careful in her response, watching his expression as she speaks.]
Nevertheless, I think... your instincts are telling you the right thing to do.
no subject
I suppose I'm just afraid.
[ He smiles despite himself. ]
no subject
I don't... I didn't realize you had already given him an answer.
no subject
[ But hearing Erik say that he wanted to, despite everything that came before. Even before, when Charles had told him that he was moving on, whether Erik still wanted to be a part of his life, the answer was the same.
Not everything had changed. ]
I think I just needed to - talk about it. Get my thoughts sorted.
[ He shakes his head before squeezing her hand. ] I shouldn't have dumped all of that on you though. I just felt that your judgement - your words would help me pull through.
no subject
[She frowns, looking down at their hands. She's confused and alarmed and worried, so very worried about where this is headed. There's anger there too though.
She pulls her hand away.]
Is that all you wanted? Reassurance for a decision you already came to?
no subject
[ He pauses, worried. ] I'm sorry if I overstepped myself. That wasn't my intent. I just - wanted to talk.
no subject
[She takes a deep breath and starts over.]
You can always come talk to me, about anything. I'll be here for you, I promise. I just am having a hard time understanding you right now. One moment you say he only loves you when it's convenient and the next you're saying you want to start something again with him and I...
I don't want to see you hurt.
no subject
[ He wonders how he must sound like to other people right now. Erik and Charles have always had a complicated history, and others have brought up such concerns. Charles had always dismissed them. But here he was, the greatest naysayer. Charles breathes out. ]
I am also afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that if I take this chance, I'll get hurt. But I also have a lot of hope. For him, for myself. I don't want to give up that hope yet. That both of us can find that piece of belonging we used to have.
[ He smiles faintly. ] I guess there are two people inside of me, warring. Wariness and a belief in the future. And . . . I'd probably always pick the latter.
no subject
Have you expressed to him some of your concerns?
no subject
I've been trying to help him through that.
no subject
no subject
I will.
no subject
[And then, after only a moment's hesitation, she gets up to hug him. It's an offer of reassurance: even if she has her doubts about him and Erik, even if she's still worried and frustrated by the situation, Charles will always have her support.]
no subject
And it helps. ]
no subject
Don't lose yourself, okay? I'm always here if you need anything at all.
no subject
Of course.
W-rap?
Come on, why don't we have some tea and argue about Shakespeare, hmm?
(no subject)